Today, I've got a pen thief in the hot seat. Now, as an occasional accidental pen thief myself, I can sympathize with her predicament. However, I would have gone after one of the big banks instead of a a credit union. Without further ado, I present Paula Tiberius.
Confessions of a Pen Thief
by Paula Tiberius
I never used to carry a purse. While my high school, then university compadres mooned over their new Coach bags and fished around for keys for half an hour, I always had cash in my front right pocket, one slim key in my left back pocket, and whatever lipstick I had on when I left the house was good enough for the night.
- My wallet – a freakin’ wallet, people. I’m a grown-up.
- Sunscreen. I live in Los Angeles and my husband Richard has had five skin cancers removed so far. This is the only kind that doesn’t feel oily. If you’re reading this, Neutrogena, I am looking for sponsors on my blog.
- Rice Krispies treat – this is “for Violet” (my 7 year old daughter) when “she” gets cranky in the car.
- Two pens stolen from my credit union, an over-sized My-Pal pencil (because sometimes you just don’t want the finality of a pen), a Sharpie (because sometimes things can’t be indelible enough),one pen from The Pleasure Chest (because I cover sex seminars there for Sexpert.com), and a pen from an Australian hotel – that’s right, I went to Australia. I’m a grown up with a purse.
- TWO travel tissue packs, because one would leave me quite insecure.
- A GO train receipt from my visit to Toronto in June. It’s now September.
- A red button. Thinking, thinking….it’ll come to me.
- A metal mesh turtle pendant without a chain. Don’t you have one in your purse?
- Migraine meds. I used to leave them at home thinking that it was bad juju to carry headache medicine when you don’t have a headache. But then I kept getting headaches while out in the world with my giant purse that had no medication in it.
- A one-time-use-only toothbrush. I know I’m married with a kid, but I might still have a one-night-stand at some point. You never know. Actually I stole it from a spa in Palm Springs last weekend.
- Two plastic stencil sheets. I picked them out from a counter full of crap to redeem points at an arcade. My daughter Violet was dead set against them, but I remain certain that she will change her mind. Stencils rock.
- A green feather from the boa Violet wore at her rock and roll camp performance this summer. She borrowed it from her father who wears it in our band Fame Whore. Yes, we’re setting an excellent example.
- Ear buds. You can’t talk on the phone without them in your car, and I’m always in my car.
- Red lip gloss that my friend Tara gave me about six months ago when I was feeling really, really shitty and broke, overworked and underpaid. She told me that it was the “lip gloss of abundance,” which seems to have worked, actually. Now I’m afraid to throw it out even though its fuzzy wand is drying up.
- An Always mini-pad. I pay extra for the black box kind because I like to have stylish cardboard in my bathroom cabinet.
- A tester tube of double-helix water cream, given to me by a medical intuitive who channels angels. He is awesome and so is this cream. I’m putting it on my C-section scar to see if it helps it disappear.
- Matches. I don’t smoke, but my husband does. Also, I used to be a pyromaniac.
- A packet of salt. Don’t listen to people who say salt is bad for you. It makes everything better.
- Pink and red paper clips tied together in a chain. I grabbed them for a parent teacher board meeting and did not use them.
- Orange bauble hair tie. I used to hate this kind when I was a kid. I wonder if Violet hates them too? I should ask her.
- Big black hair clip. That’s the shit you want.
- A coupon for a free cupcake at Barnes & Noble – now expired.
About Paula Tiberius
Paula Tiberius is an author, blogger, screenwriter, filmmaker, musician and mom living in North Hollywood, California with her husband, daughter, and their German Shepherd. Paula wrote and directed the award-winning feature film Goldirocks which is available on Netflix, distributed by R Squared Films. She is currently writing and recording a kids' album called Be Who You Are with music and spoken word pieces to empower kids. Please read more at www.paulatiberius.com. The Cowboy Singer is her first novel.